I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
