You just made me feel so damn special
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
