i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
