As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
