I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
