My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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