I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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