What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
