My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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