the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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