I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
