Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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