Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's official drugs can't kill me
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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