Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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