i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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