Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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