i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
tell me about the eggs
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
