the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
