new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
