My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
