i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
