you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
