this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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