My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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