apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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