It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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