in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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