i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
