I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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