My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
