well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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