I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
