the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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