How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So much rum. So many feels.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm too high and old for this...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
