dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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