i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
