apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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