If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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