I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Let's paint friendship bongs
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
