Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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