I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
