For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
