My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
