I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
