Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
