I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
