I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
How's your threesome situation going?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.