I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
