I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
