So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
