On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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