Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
